Restoring Intimacy After Ostomy Surgery

I had been a stripper on and off for years, earning a living from having a beautiful body, until an emergency ostomy surgery destroyed my stomach in 2012.

I was left with deep scars and no belly button after my reversal surgery. I also spent years without being touched, not knowing about the harms of touch starvation at the time.

It took me years to overcome my body shame. I covered my stomach during intimacy, and I even had a scar revision surgery in 2018 which improved the scar only slightly.

Later that same year, I started working as an intimacy surrogate and coach. Through my work, I eventually did become comfortable nude again and even confident, but it took years of self-work and showing my body during intimacy to get there.

However, my confidence was short-lived because in September 2023, I once again faced an ostomy surgery – this time a permanent one which included rectum removal.

I didn’t want to let it destroy me like last time. So, I searched for a solution to my despair. I tried positive self talk, Stoicism, prayer, and therapy. They helped but I was still a weepy mess until I tried visualization.

After reading an inspiring book about how one man used visualization to make a comeback like you’d never believe, I took what I learned from his story, and I was able to completely erase my fears and insecurities within days. It was a dramatic, miraculous transformation that happened so quickly, it shocked me. But my journey didn’t end there.

I still needed to learn how to manage the bag during intimacy, find lingerie I’d feel sexy in, navigate relationship challenges, including the absence of sex for several months before and after the surgery, restore my own desire which seemed to be depleted along with my energy and muted because of the pain I still experienced in that region of my body.

But, as an intimacy coach, I knew how important intimacy is in a relationship. So, I tried to engage my partner in non-penetrative physical intimacy and explore other paths to climax and desire with him. Unfortunately, he was dealing with his own demons, and my efforts were only partly successful. Those intimacy challenges and more plagued me.

And it wasn’t just me. I saw in Facebook support groups that many others were going through the same challenges and although my relationship ended, I knew I could help a lot of people by sharing what I’ve learned about how I survived my second ostomy surgery with my self worth intact.

So, through my research, experiences, and coaching other ostomates, I’ve developed a practical, step-by-step system for restoring intimacy after ostomy surgery which I call “The Intimate Ostomate Method.”

The 12 Transformations of The Intimate Ostomate Method

By the time you move through this process, you will experience twelve powerful shifts in how you see your body, communicate with partners, and approach intimacy.

1. You will understand your fears instead of being controlled by them

You will clearly identify the specific fears that have been holding you back from intimacy.

2. You will accept your stoma without losing your sense of humour or dignity

Instead of feeling defeated by your body, you will learn to face the reality of living with a stoma with acceptance and resilience.

3. You will understand exactly how surgery has affected intimacy in your life

You will be able to recognize and name the ways your ostomy has impacted relationships, attraction, and self-confidence.

4. You will uncover the deeper roots of your intimacy challenges

You will discover whether your struggles began before surgery, after surgery, or have been building for years.

5. You will reopen the door to attraction and connection

Instead of feeling undesirable, you will begin attracting intimacy and closeness back into your life.

6. You will know how to confidently manage your ostomy bag during intimacy

You will learn practical techniques to handle positioning, activity, sounds, and other concerns that often create anxiety.

7. You will be able to talk about sex without shame or awkwardness

You will gain the language and confidence to discuss intimacy openly with current or future partners.

8. You will become comfortable being seen naked again

Using a powerful visualization process, you will release body shame and begin feeling confident in your skin.

9. You will reconnect with your own desire

You will learn how to restore sexual energy that may have been muted by surgery, fear, or pain.

10. You will know how to respond to your partner’s insecurities

You will gain tools for navigating a partner’s fears, curiosity, or awkwardness around your ostomy.

11. You will learn how to lead your partner in creating intimacy that works for your body

Instead of hoping your partner “figures it out,” you will learn how to guide them toward giving and receiving pleasure in ways that actually work for you.

12. You will discover new ways to experience intimacy beyond penetration

You will expand your understanding of intimacy and explore new paths to connection and pleasure.

If you’re reading this book, chances are you’re wondering whether intimacy is still possible for you. The answer is yes. But restoring it requires more than hope or positive thinking. It requires understanding your fears, rebuilding confidence in your body, learning new skills, and sometimes redefining what intimacy even looks like.

The Intimate Ostomate Method will walk you through each of those transformations step-by-step so that you can move forward with confidence instead of fear.